I can’t get on board with this idea that men should be more emotional and should reject traditional gender norms.
Men and women are different.
I’m happy that women have made so much progress in the last 50 years. I’ve read that most college graduates are women and more women under the age of 35 own homes than men.
This is great progress, I think.
I’m happy for any women who makes something of herself. I’m happy for any man who makes something of himself. I’ve never seen it as a zero sum game. Everyone can win. This is all positive.
It’s strange when people say men should be more emotional. Or that we need to break traditional gender norms and give men more space to cry.
I admit we have an unhealthy standard for mental health in our country. Almost all the people who commit suicide are men. That’s obviously not good. If men were more able to express themselves, or belong to a community, or feel as though they are being seen and heard, we probably wouldn’t have such alarming suicide rates.
But when life comes at you, the last thing society needs is a man who must gather himself to process his emotions. Generals don’t cry, at least not until the fighting is done.
There is a place for sharing emotions. I am always trying to get better at sharing my emotions with Jules.
But sharing my emotions is way down my list of priorities. I’m a man, I’m a husband, and I’m a dad. My well being comes last. It’s my responsibility to provide and to make sacrifices.
What I think society gets wrong is that society came up with a story that if men were more emotional, then they would be happier. The two have nothing to do with each other. Happiness and contentment are a result of service and a result of belonging to something bigger than yourself.
Unhappy men want to help themselves. Happy men want to help others.
What does "more emotional" mean to you?
For me, "more emotional" is not the same as "allow me to cry instead of doing my duties."
The trouble with mental health in our country is that men are told not to show emotions. To pretend they doesn't exist. That's the path to addiction. That's numbing, hiding, depression, isolation.
Me of 10 years ago would pretend it didn't happen. Pretend I didn't have emotions. This took me to bad places. I'm a human, pretending I don't have emotions doesn't work. Everyone is emotional. All decisions are emotional.
If my friend or partner wrongs me, I want to check in, figure out what my emotions tell me, find out why it hurt, then talk to about it.
Old me would numb. Video games. Porn. Worse. Then those feelings would fester and build resentment and ultimately lash out.
Addressing my emotions head on is what "more emotional" me does. For me, "more emotional" means "be authentic." I believe that a General MUST gather himself and process his emotions before making decisions. The The West Wing episode "A Proportional Response " illustrates this perfectly. The President has a lot of feelings about something. He wants to destroy something. He's not rational because of unprocessed feelings. He creates the space for himself, then comes back and makes a more sound decision. THAT is what being "more emotional" means to me. It's allowing men to have them in the first place, without judgement.
Tim, it's not about MAKING men cry. It's about allowing men to have the space to feel the feelings they have & get support for it. I have studied this issue a lot, and I find that men and women are less different than we are made to believe. We're really very much alike. Women are not from Venus, men are not from Mars. We're all from the same place.