So Slow (But Good)

For most of my life, I’ve been an endurance athlete. Specifically, I was a distance runner.

I started training Muay Thai 5 years ago because I could no longer run after I had my back surgery. Muay Thai gives me the high I feel from being exhausted, gasping for air, and dripping sweat. Muay Thai has completely opened up my hips which has done wonders for my lower back muscles. Maybe most of all, Muay Thai gives me a place to channel my rage.

It’s taken years of training, and my back has never felt better.

In addition, I have been slowly adding compound movements to my lifting workouts. With Jules’ help, I have slowly built up the core strength required to do back squats again. Last week, I squatted 195, which is the most I’ve done in years.

Pre back surgery, it was way too painful to squat, and post back surgery, it was way too scary.

I’ve made so much progress with my back, but I still haven’t been able to run.

The more I learn about fitness, the more I believe that running is one of the worst things you can do to your body. Running on concrete is especially damaging. Still, I miss it so much.

What running does for you, more so than anything else, is it hardens your mind.

When you run, especially when you run alone, you are completely trapped inside your mind. There’s no one to distract you, there’s no break in between sets, there’s no high fives and good jobs.

There’s just you and the next step in front of you.

When I was a hard core runner, I felt like I was unstoppable. I used to run 5 - 7 miles a night. I would run in the hot summer Florida nights. That was a time in my life when I was just finally starting to like myself and I was starting to believe that I was a good person who deserved love and was worthy of living a good life. Those runs taught me so much about myself. I had no cheerleaders, no coaches, no running partners. At any given moment, I could simply stop running, and no one would have ever known.

But I never did.

Running taught me that I might not be the strongest or fastest, but I certainly won’t be the first to quit.

Then suddenly, that part of my life was gone. Running became excruciating. In truth, I probably made my back much worse than it needed to be because I kept running through it even though for the last year, my legs would be completely numb from the pinched nerves. I would get done running and then my legs would radiate in pain.

But I was too scared or stubborn to stop. Until eventually, I had no choice.

Losing the open road has been tough. It feels like a legitimate breakup. I lost a close friend and I miss the way I would feel after a late night run.

Today, for whatever reason, I decided to go for a run.

I ran around the lake. I ran 2.6 miles. I ran at a 10 minutes and 50 second pace.

It’s probably the slowest I’ve ever run in my entire life, and I don’t think that’s an exaggeration. But I finished.

I felt the escape that I long for. I felt the freedom of pain and I felt the peace of suffering. When you’re running, there’s nowhere else for you to be. The suffering brings clarity, because there’s no space in your mind to think of anything else.

I’m embarrassed how slow I ran. But I ran. I started and I finished.

It felt great.