Things I Want To Change

I haven’t been sleeping well. I fell asleep at 11 and I’ve been up since 2:30, looking at the mountains.

Jules has been in Costa Rica for a week. I am shocked to discover how much of the structure in my life is due to the fact that I follow her lead on everything. If you would have asked me last week “how do you remain so discipline?”, I would have given you an explanation about focus and daily habits.

Now, my answer would be “I get my discipline by following my wife and building my day around hers.”

I’m feeling both immensely grateful to have the opportunity to spend my life with my best friend, while also feeling startled at how quickly my daily routine has fallen by the wayside without her.

I’ve had a lot of time to think this week. I’ve continued to allow myself to exist in the empty space. I’ve had some realizations. I’d like to share them with you.

1. I spend too much time online: This has become especially apparent since I have stepped down as CEO at Stodzy. I am glad I recognize it now and I know that it’s due to the fact that I have built a work habit of being at my computer to work from 4:30 am - 6 am, and then back to my computer to work from 11 am - 4 pm every day. But I don’t need to do that anymore.

Now that I am singularly focused on building the sales team for Stodzy and Recovery Local, my time should be spent interacting with people. I need to retrain myself.

2. I like fitness classes better: Jules and I workout together almost every morning. I’ve quickly discovered that left to my own devises, I will default to lazy workouts. I’ve always done fitness classes and hired personal trainers for this reason. I’m not the kind of guy who wants to workout by myself. I find it much easier to simply show up and do what someone else tells me to do. I think I will make more of an effort to participate in other gyms that have HIIT classes.

3. I miss running: I keep thinking back to when I lived by myself in Florida, why was I more focused and self discipline at that stage in my life?

I’m not looking to go back to being a machine. I want to slow down and enjoy the time that my hard work has afforded me. I want to keep doing what I’m doing, especially because Muay Thai and lifting is the most connected I’ve ever felt with my body. However, now that I have spent this week to myself, I can absolutely feel that my mental fortitude isn’t what it was a few years ago. I truly believe that my ability to “do hard things” came from my running habit. Running gave me a place to put my thoughts because when you run, there’s nowhere else you can be other than exactly where you are. I need to somehow incorporate running or cardio back into my life.

4. I have time: I always feel like I’m in a rush. I’m in a rush to get to where I’m going, and then I’m in a rush to be somewhere else. This week has been the cherry on top of this new lifestyle I am pursuing. A pursuit of slow.

Over the last week, I’ve had lunch with two friends, a work breakfast with another friend, and have gone for walks around the lake every day. I haven’t fallen behind on any work and frankly, everything is running perfectly smoothly.

I think it will take a few months of me learning how to just be. People may laugh at this, but I am really proud of myself for sitting in the discomfort of stillness the last few weeks.

5. I need my wife: Meeting Jules is the luckiest thing that ever happened to me. It’s the purest and most honest relationship I’ve ever had. It feels stupid even comparing my relationship to Jules with past relationships, because they are not the same. Jules was my best friend before I even knew she existed. She will say the same thing about me. My life is so much better with her in it and she fills the holes in me that I have always been trying to fill. I am so happy for her and glad she has taken some time to be alone since she hasn’t had a single night or morning to herself in 3 1/2 years. Regardless, I will be glad when she is back home and I want to do everything with her. Living life by myself, even the basics of life, feels lame. Why would I do anything alone when I could do it with her instead?

I’m finally gaining clarity.

This week has been a good exercise for me. I’m surprised at how uncomfortable I feel without her. I’m having a hard time falling asleep and sometimes I don’t know what to do with myself. I am seeing all the ways that I am filling the emptiness with distractions, work, and defaulting to habits.

I’ve known for weeks and months that I haven’t been living up to my best version of myself. It’s hard to explain. There’s nothing “wrong”, but I feel in my heart like I have more to give. It’s been difficult for me to put my finger on exactly what feels off.

I know that “working harder” isn’t the answer. It’s deeper. It’s spiritual.

Now I know. The part that feels off is that I haven’t been treating myself like I’m someone who needs to be taken care of. Between changing roles in my company, buying the house, raising these kids, and worrying all day, I’ve forgotten to relax and enjoy the parts of life that really matter.

I feel clarity for the first time in months.

I can’t wait to take you along for the ride.